So. Many. Tears.

(Therapy is amazing!)

In case you don’t already know, I gotta tell ya’ - THERAPY IS AMAZING.

I realize that I may be a little biased, being a therapist myself. However, as any good therapist knows, even the therapist needs therapy.

I participated in an online training in May with David Grand, the creator of Brain Spotting. I watched in awe as David somehow managed to keep his hands perfectly still, (for up to 90 minutes at a time), while holding his little Brain Spotting pointer wand. Each of the demo clients kept their gaze on the end of the wand and we all watched, in real time, as layer, upon layer, upon layer of pain, fear, trauma, abandonment, shame, and guilt melted away.

so. many. tears.

leading to

So. Much. Freedom.

I thought, “Well, that’s great, but I’m not going to use this with my clients until I’ve had the chance to experience it for myself.”

I searched psychology today.com to find a Christian therapist in my state who offered brain spotting. It was a bonus that she also provides Internal Family Systems therapy, or “parts” work.

I initially wanted to work on the reactivity I would experience when I would think about or encounter a certain individual. The therapist asked me to rate, on a 0 to 10 scale, how distressing it was to think about what this person has done. I rated it at a “7.” I won’t go into the details, but my level of distress soon became a “10.”

so. many. tears.

But by the end of that first session my level of distress was a “2.” We worked on it in a couple more sessions and my distress landed at a “0 to 1.” I can live with that. There’s freedom that comes with a distress level of zero to one.

I recently shared with my therapist that I have scheduled three days next week to work on my book. Writer’s block is a very real thing, and I’ve been stuck on “Part 3” since the beginning of August. She offered to use “expanding,” which is a technique designed to help clients access their infinite potential, passion, and performance. She asked me to recall a time when I felt really good about my writing, notice how it felt it my body, and rate the possibility of getting back to that place from “zero to infinity.”

The exercise started out with me experiencing a pleasant sensation in my brain and forehead area as I thought about one time in particular, when the words just flowed. After a bit, I just felt “neutral,” nothing, no new thoughts, no physical sensations in my body or brain.

I told her that, and like any good Brain Spotting therapist would do, she said, “Notice that.”

I found myself becoming frustrated with the process. I told her I was frustrated with the process, with regard to both brain spotting and writing.

“Notice that.” (Grrr. Even her response was a little frustrating.)

She encouraged me to get out of my head and focus on my body.

That was when the transformation took place. It took me back to a memory of 13- or 14-year-old me sitting in the principal’s office at school. I had gotten in trouble (again) for talking too much. Imagine that.

The school was built sometime around the 1920s. Three stories, typical of school buildings of that time. You’d go in the front doors, then you could either go down the stairs to the library, science room, and a hallway of lockers, or you could go up a flight of steps, and the 5^th grade classroom was on the left and the secretary’s office was straight ahead. Round the corner and go up the next flight of steps, and the principal’s office was at that landing. The massive desk dominated the tiny space.

He asked some questions, but he didn’t ask the right ones. Or maybe he asked the perfect questions - I don’t know. Regardless, I shut down.

I saw my younger self sitting in a chair, facing the desk but off to the side a bit. She was oblivious to my presence, so I let her know that I was there. In that moment, she looked at me, and a flood of relief spread across her face.

I asked her what she needed, and instantaneously, I had the sensation of both holding her, and being held. She wept in my arms, and it brought me back to when I discovered I was pregnant. (Funny how one memory leads to the next, isn’t it.)

I was a junior at Moorhead State University and had just gotten out of a long-term relationship. I was going to marry that man! Then I realized it wasn’t a healthy relationship and I ended it. In the weeks that followed, I partied too much, and drank too much, and, you know, did other things that can end up having life-long consequences.

I found out I was pregnant near the end of the school year. Shame washed over me because I didn’t even know which of the couple of “options” was the father. I told my advisor first, then my dad. Finally, I asked my mom to come visit. When I told her I was pregnant, she opened her arms without hesitation and drew me into the most tender embrace. I sat on her lap and wept, and for that moment, I was simply a daughter again—held, comforted, and assured that everything was going to be okay.

What an incredible experience it was to then receive that same comfort and assurance as I re-lived the moment in the principal’s office, and I knew how my mom must have felt, as the one who offered that comfort and assurance.

So. Many. Tears.

and

So. Much. Healing.

and

SO. MUCH. FREEDOM!

Thank you for taking the time to read. If you have had the experience of both holding and being held, I’d be interested in hearing about it! And I encourage everyone to work with a skilled therapist, coach, or prayer minister to get to the deepest levels of healing.